Saturday, February 27, 2010

Additional Ideas for Olympic Events...

Before you read this, you may want to read the posts of my darling mother and sister.
The issue that has recently been floating around my house is the issue of...too many events? or confusion over too many events?...whatever. You get the idea. My sister and Mother have already come up with some brand new and fresh ideas on new events. Here are some of my top three new Olympic sports...

#1: Cross Country ski jumping...
where you jump off the ramp as far as you can and shoot a rifle at the ground to prolong your flight.
When you land, you go up another ramp and fly on that one while shooting the rifle. Do this for ten miles. (The Wright brothers would have loved this...)

#2: Moose Fighting...With a Bull...
where you ride a bull (believe me, it's safer than the moose) trying to detain the bull moose with figure skating skates. Dazzling it with your hip-shakin' moves is not allowed.

#3: Bobsledding-capture-the-flag-curling with skis...
You begin on the super duper teeny weeny slalom and steel the gold medal from one of the athletes. When you've finished that, go to the bobsled mountain (I can't remember the name, so I'll call it the Matterhorn.) and with your team of two, go down the mountain. Depending on how you did on the ski place, and how fast you can be on the bobsled, you could be way ahead of the angry gold medalist, or you might have to use your curling stick. When anyone gets too close, you can hit them with the stick (creating importance for the person in the back). The people behind you will scream threats like "You're not invited to my birthday party!"

So these are my top 3 ideas...what are yours?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Quebec, Land of the Canoeing Devil

Here begins my account of this year's winter Olympics. I was going to write about each event individually, but with the Olympics going on every's a little hard to keep up. so here is my account of all of the main events that have been happening this past week.
Let's start with the opening ceremony...

This year, at the Olympics opening ceremony, the commentators said that the only difference between this ceremony and the one in Beijing would be that the parade of nations would come before the rest of the show. They said that it would be better than usual, when the people would normally be lined up in a parking lot, this way they could sit back and enjoy the whole performance...I disagree. [stupid commercials]
There was nothing enjoyable in the performance. I would rather be outside, lined up in a parking lot in snow and sleet and fiery hail instead of watching that show. It was one of those awful times in life where you sit back after doing something and realize you've just wasted hours of your life. [extra stupid commercials]
I don't see that there was anything "breathtaking" or "spectacular" or "amazing" about that performance. Unless a drunk man's dream of gansta-Scottish people wearing ripped up kilts is amazing... Maybe they meant Spectacular in context of the Christmas decoration gone bad polar-bear-god. I don't think it was that great, though it would've taken someone with at least as much acting talent as Julie Andrews to pretend to be afraid of it.
Wonderful. Breathtaking. Just great...
[extra stupid-er commercials]
Maybe, if all the commentators represent what people really think, I'm the only one who doesn't like the performance because I'm extremely concrete. Or maybe I'm the only one who'd get nightmares from watching a canoeing devil compete with it's shadow on playing the fiddle...or maybe he was a werewolf, you decide. [Joss goes to bed really confused after the torch lighting goes bad]
3 words I would use to describe the opening ceremony: weird, abstract, Purple polka dotted ponies (Hey, in that ceremony, that wouldn't have been too out of place!)
FAQ's of the opening ceremony: what's going on? is that supposed to be the devil? I think I'm missing something...what's going on with the...why is that...who is...what's going on???

Then, after a couple of days, my favorite part of the Olympics comes. Pair figure skating. They showed the first couple of skaters and then made us watch some boring event before getting to see the rest...maybe it was skiing. (is it just me or does the news channel treat us like I used to treat my dog when I was training her : "Sit! Stay! drops treat in front of nose. Leave it! Down...) just making us go through a bunch of stuff before we actually see what we want to see. But finally we get to see the pairs out on the ice...then I found out that we weren't watching pair figure skating...we were watching a new sport called "pair figure falling where your partner drops you and you try not to cut his neck as you fall on the ice." I can hardly remember a single routine where they didn't fall. And don't even get me started on how the judges never rank the team that you like first.
After pff (abbreviated from new sport title), we went to men's figure...skating! (They didn't fall quite so much. ) But I would rather have watched every single one of them fall instead of watching them...shake their hips? And wear a corset??!!!! I'm not going into detail right now, but you can check my mom's blog for detail on everything I'm writing about.

And finally, speed skating. That's where real men skate! It's kind of like a mix between figure skating and hockey. figure skating :they're on the ice and wearing skates. Hockey: they actually have mini fights on the ice! The pushing and shoving in those races got me screaming almost as loud as when Yevegeni Plushenko licked his hands while shaking his hips and flirting with the judges.

Well, that has me caught about up in all the interesting events that have happened so far...the next time interesting things come up, I'll be able to go over them a little more in depth.